1. Dreams

    So that’s what it would feel like to see him again. Walking down the street, thinking I’m finally okay, then he pops up out of no where, and the only place I wanna be is home surrounded by EVERYONE IN THE WORLD except him. Good thing this was all just a dream. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to wake up in the dark, and not even close to where I drempt I was. I woke up at 8, and I just wanted to get away. So I went right back to sleep. Then woke up again an hour later, and still just wanted numbness. So I went right back to sleep and slept until my step mom told me I had to get up. Now, I’m not sure what I wanna do. But jeez I feel so horrible. And the other part of the dream, where I lost someone that I’ve been getting real close to.. To someone else that was also with Joe. (Wow. I wish you knew the feeling I get when I type his name. It’s been so long since I had, I had no idea my emotions would react so harshly) Anyway. Basically, I should’ve bit Joe’s dick off while I had the chance…. No wonder why I feel like things were left unfinished.

  2. Anxiety…?

    I hate these days. All day today, my heart has been pounding, and I’ve been shaking. It started this morning, but I thought it was just because I was about to be late for 1st period. (Yeah, it was that easy to make me uneasy today.) But, I felt like this all day. It feels like my bones are shaking, but you can’t see it. And my heart is beating so fast and when I think of certain things I get so scared that they will end badly. I didn’t even realize how much I have trouble trusting people. Not that I don’t trust them, it’s just when I do, I get so scared that they’ll hurt me. I get so disappointed in myself. Then when something happens that hints at something bad, I get so scared that I just decide that I’m going to end up hurt. I’m so desperate to avoid getting hurt that I’ll believe ANYTHING that someone I care about says. Any excuse, I believe them and ignore my gut feeling that tells me they’re lying. It seems like that’s the solution. Don’t believe them if I have that feeling. But no. Do you know what it’s like when I hurt? Horrible. When it happens, I freak out, and the hurt turns physical. I can’t sleep that night. Not because I’m not tired or I just can’t sleep, I could be TERRIBLY tired, but I’m scared to wake up in the morning. When I wake up, it’s like all of the pain I repressed while sleeping just catches up with me all at once when I wake up. And being scared of waking up in the morning, makes me scared of when it gets dark outside. When I’m at school I feel okay. But all day in the back of my mind I’m thinking ”What are you going to do when it gets dark? Do you think the hurt is gone?” Then when I feel better, it comes out of no where, and scares me. When I feel like I’ll finally be okay at night, I wonder when I’ll start to hurt again. And freak myself out.

    Anyway, back to today. All I’m hoping is that the morning… Won’t hurt. Boy, do I just wanna cry. But I’m scared to! I think that if I cry, it will get worse. And I’ll feel so weak. I hate it when I cry and think about why I’m crying, and I find it’s just because I’m scared of life. I am. I’m scared of living. The only thing that makes me strong, is that I know no matter how bad things get, I’ll never end my life. I know things get better and you move on. But that doesn’t make me any less scared. Maybe this is where the emotions about my brother are going. Maybe I’ve been looking in the wrong place. I’ve been expecting to feel hurt, and abandoned. Maybe I just feel like everyone else will leave too. I guess my brother really does affect me. More than I thought. I just want him to come back. Or atleast talk to me. I really think that if I could talk to him about somethings, I’ll get completely better. No more anxiety. No more clinging onto people that say they care about me. No more clinging to things that make me happy. And no more being scared of life.

    My last hope… One day I’ll stop being so scared of doing or loving things that make me happy because I’m scared they’ll suddenly disappear, and it’ll be my fault that they’re gone. It’ll be my fears fault that they’re gone.

  3. Please Be Different

    So you scared me for a second. But your excuse, though at first thought seems… Irrelevant, the way you explain things about it, the details, make it believable. You’re saying things that would have been overlooked if you were lying. I’m trusting you. Though I know it could be just something from your past that you remembered the feelings of. I’m not sure what to do, but I won’t make any decisions yet. I’ll trust you, until you prove I should do otherwise. But I hope you don’t. With our levels of understanding, and our levels of uncontrolable discomfort in our lives, we might be able to actually make something out of it. Friendship is a bit below the standards I’ve set. But if you promise to help me, I could lower them so we could continue to make eachother’s lives easier without one of us feeling empty. Or like there could be something more but we can’t get past a wall that will stand forever. I just wish you would tell me right now, so I could fully believe you without a doubt.. What exactly you expect of me. What you expect of us. And if your intensions are as good as you’ve led me to believe.

  4. Lately, I have not been myself. I’m not saying I force every smile. But everytime I smile it means something to me now. I laugh harder because as soon as I’m done laughing, I feel like this. Whatever this is. Some things have happened that I just can’t explain. Now, I try to explain EVERYTHING to myself. I try to explain why sometimes I just can’t calm down. Why sometimes I don’t feel right. Why when I think about the fact my brother won’t talk to me, I’ve never felt anything. I know I tell people all the time that it bothers me. But that’s only because.. I wish it would. I feel nothing about that. Confused maybe. But not sad. Not alone. Not hurt. And that scares me. I TRY SO HARD just to get the thought into my head that there’s gotta be something here. I have to feel something. But I can’t do it. I have the whole world convinced that I’m dying with out him. But I can’t convince myself because that’s not the truth. The truth is… I feel like there’s a piece of me missing, but it’s not a piece I can’t live without. Basically, the only thing that bothers me about the absence of my brother.. Is that it doesn’t bother me. Also, I was thinking. I’m totally confused about everything. Anxiety, actual anxiety attacks, and just.. confusion have become everything I am. Something is tearing me up and I have NO idea what it is. I talked to my friend about it yesterday. What she told me.. Scares me. She said “You can only be yourself”. She’s so right. When people abandon you, they’re gone. But you can’t abandon yourself. You are who you are. I think a true friend would be able to understand that sometimes, you just feel down. You feel confused. It’s just who you are in that moment in time. You can’t change that. I was thinking about this. You really can’t be anyone else. You can’t live the life someone else has. No matter how bad you want to.. Fight or flight. If us humans do have one instinct left out of all the ones we used to have before we became.. “Civilized”.. It’s fight or flight. That feeling of when you see a spider or something you’re afraid of, you either wanna kill it, or leave the room and have nothing to do with it. This instinct, I found out from personal experience, also takes affect.. After your heart is hurt. I think when he hurt me, that was the first time I truely acted like a 2 year old in years. As soon as he told me..”I love you, but not like I love her”.. I ran up the stairs.. Just BOOKED IT up the stairs screaming “Mommy! Mommy!”. I was a mess. Just crying. Pacing everywhere. Then eventually the hurt in my chest became physical and I just fell to the floor. I don’t remember much from that night, though it was only 2 weeks ago. But I think I vaguely remember hearing myself scream “Help me it hurts”. My heart. I also remember screaming “I need to get out of here”. I had no where to go. It was 10:30 at night on a Sunday where could I have gone? But I did not want to be there. It was irrational. But it was instinct. Fight or flight. When you don’t know what else to do, your instincts take over. Fight or flight. Everyone is different. Which one would you chose?

    Lately, I have not been myself. I’m not saying I force every smile. But everytime I smile it means something to me now. I laugh harder because as soon as I’m done laughing, I feel like this. Whatever this is. Some things have happened that I just can’t explain. Now, I try to explain EVERYTHING to myself. I try to explain why sometimes I just can’t calm down. Why sometimes I don’t feel right. Why when I think about the fact my brother won’t talk to me, I’ve never felt anything. I know I tell people all the time that it bothers me. But that’s only because.. I wish it would. I feel nothing about that. Confused maybe. But not sad. Not alone. Not hurt. And that scares me. I TRY SO HARD just to get the thought into my head that there’s gotta be something here. I have to feel something. But I can’t do it. I have the whole world convinced that I’m dying with out him. But I can’t convince myself because that’s not the truth. The truth is… I feel like there’s a piece of me missing, but it’s not a piece I can’t live without. Basically, the only thing that bothers me about the absence of my brother.. Is that it doesn’t bother me.

    Also, I was thinking. I’m totally confused about everything. Anxiety, actual anxiety attacks, and just.. confusion have become everything I am. Something is tearing me up and I have NO idea what it is. I talked to my friend about it yesterday. What she told me.. Scares me. She said “You can only be yourself”. She’s so right. When people abandon you, they’re gone. But you can’t abandon yourself. You are who you are. I think a true friend would be able to understand that sometimes, you just feel down. You feel confused. It’s just who you are in that moment in time. You can’t change that. I was thinking about this. You really can’t be anyone else. You can’t live the life someone else has. No matter how bad you want to..

    Fight or flight. If us humans do have one instinct left out of all the ones we used to have before we became.. “Civilized”.. It’s fight or flight. That feeling of when you see a spider or something you’re afraid of, you either wanna kill it, or leave the room and have nothing to do with it. This instinct, I found out from personal experience, also takes affect.. After your heart is hurt. I think when he hurt me, that was the first time I truely acted like a 2 year old in years. As soon as he told me..”I love you, but not like I love her”.. I ran up the stairs.. Just BOOKED IT up the stairs screaming “Mommy! Mommy!”. I was a mess. Just crying. Pacing everywhere. Then eventually the hurt in my chest became physical and I just fell to the floor. I don’t remember much from that night, though it was only 2 weeks ago. But I think I vaguely remember hearing myself scream “Help me it hurts”. My heart. I also remember screaming “I need to get out of here”. I had no where to go. It was 10:30 at night on a Sunday where could I have gone? But I did not want to be there. It was irrational. But it was instinct. Fight or flight. When you don’t know what else to do, your instincts take over. Fight or flight. Everyone is different. Which one would you chose?